Screen Shot 2018-08-02 at 2.07.06 PMI’m going to step off of memory lane and zoom ahead toward the present where I am currently PLANNING A WEDDING. Yes, it’s very exciting. Yes, it’s very stressful. And yes, it’s hard to really get anything you actually thought you might have wanted, because of the loud gospel choir of people telling you what YOU REALLY, REALLY NEED/ACTUALLY WANT/MAYBE/POSSIBLY/WHO CARES I’LL TELL YOU ANYWAY. 

See, long ago when I could not clearly envision ever getting married, I had lots of ideas about what I would want my wedding to look like, even if I couldn’t picture who would be joining me there. And then when I got engaged, the actually wedding extravaganza suddenly seemed unimportant because I just want to be married to NF! So I was ready to head to City Hall, have a fancy lunch and call it a day, but alas, that Gospel Choir hunted me down and sang me this song, which I have transcribed for your pleasure. 

Why would you want a small wedding???

That does not sound neat!

You must invite 200 people

And have 20 courses to eat!

 

Those people will give you presents

So you must invite each one

And it must be in New Jersey

In a month with lots of sun!

 

But plan this all immediately

There’s no time left to waste

Because the dates get snatched up

So please please, do not haste!

 

Are you feeling calm yet?

Are you feeling oh so glad

As the bride, you should be happy

You should never pout or be sad!

 

Enjoy this special time, bride

It will go by oh so fast  

But don’t enjoy it too much

Because those wedding vendors will pass!

Screen Shot 2018-07-31 at 3.03.38 PMIn the beginning of my relationship with NF, I was NERVOUS A.F. While it was a different sort of nervousness to what I had previously experienced, (namely, “When am I getting dumped, hmmm, time will tell, oh it happened, ok cool.”) I was still constantly talking myself down, even though NF was being sewwww obvioussss when it came to showing that he liked me. Like, literally 90 seconds after our first date, he texted asking for a second date. How much more confirmation did I need that THIS WAS VERY DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED.

Of course, it would be GREAT if my next sentence was: “And after that 90 seconds of anxiousness, I was never nervous again, THE END.” Of course, that’s not how it worked, and it was definitely a journey to just accept that this was a really great thing that was happening to me, no questions asked. Instead, I was plagued by self-doubt, anxiety, and fear, mixed with excitement, elation and glee. IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL TIME, OK?!?! 

In the beginning, here were some things that made me nervous:

-Me going on vacation a week after I meet him (WHAT DOES IT MEAN?)

-Him facebook friending me (WHAT DOES IT MEAN??)

-Me, not being able to find him in an insanely crowded bar after returning from said vacation, but then finding him. (WHAT DOES IT MEAN???)

-Him saying, I like you a lot. (WHAT DOES IT MEAN????)

-Me saying, I also like you a lot. (WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????)

-Him cancelling, but also immediately uncancelling, a date. (WHAT DOES IT MEAN??????)

And that sums up the first two weeks! (Remember that one of those weeks I was OUT OF THE COUNTRY.)

I can’t help myself when it comes to being anxious about things, and it really had nothing to do with NF at all. He never gave me a reason to think those thoughts—I just took the initiative myself. Yay me. Let’s hope that after more time and patience, those questions on whether this guy even LIKES ME go away once and for all. (Just kidding….sort of? I am. Mehbeh? MEEP!)

What’s My Age: ALL THE AGES BECAUSE I AM A LIFE-LONG OVER THINKER. 

Screen Shot 2018-07-18 at 2.22.56 PMHere’s an exhaustive list of things that I miss about dating, ranked in order of importance, alphabetically, with index, notes in the margin, and resource pages linked:

1. LITERALLY.

2. NOTHING.

(Except maybe free ice cream? Jk, I’m a working woman and can BUY THAT MY DAMN SELF.)

Screen Shot 2018-07-10 at 1.10.51 PMNow that I’m off the market, the amount of time I spend thinking about what it was like when I was dating is basically… zero minutes. This is actually pretty surprising to me. Considering dating took up SO MUCH OF MY BRAIN SPACE, I thought in the aftermath, I’d experience dating PTSD. I assumed neighborhoods and songs and just like, coffee in general, would remind me of dates I’d gone on, but in reality, my brain has been pleasantly wiped! I honestly cannot even remember the names of people I dated if I try to think of them now, and that is some SWEET RELIEF since it used to seem like I WOULD NEVER FORGET ANYTHING GOOD GOD.

There are so many things I don’t miss about dating anymore. Not dating, irregardless of the fact that I’m in an awesome relationship, has really improved my quality of life! Try it if you can! I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. I wish I found dating enjoyable, but I did not. I wish I could say I was a wild and free 20-something in the big city, but I was not.

Dating was really difficult, really unpleasant, and really frustrating. I couldn’t figure out how to get someone to know and appreciate me, and felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the shoe to drop (which it always did). Maybe if I had relaxed or not taken myself so seriously, it would have been different, but then I probably wouldn’t have met NF! So who know why life happens the way it does. Maybe I would have liked to have gotten to this point a little faster, but when I did meet NF, I felt like I had finally decided that being myself was the way to go, take it or leave it. Fortunately he took it, and I got to leave dating in the past!

Screen Shot 2018-07-05 at 10.24.27 AMOk, ok, back to the whole fiancé thing. Prettyyy crazyyyyyyy. (Sidenote: Will there be a time when this isn’t my lead up to this topic? ….Time will tell.)

So after that “come to Jesus” moment, I did what any sane, emotionally stable person does and started scrolling Tinder with the speed and agility of a person who had, at that point, been scrolling tinder for REDACTED AMOUNT OF TIME. …Ahem. Anyway.

So here’s where it gets ~*romantic*~. When I saw NF’s profile, I was like, “Oh, hello. You are cute and you seem normal and I will totally message you!” Pause. Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. Ping! What?! Eee! Yay!

Translation: during the time I had exhausted myself swiping, he had actually messaged me! And instead of playing that little waiting game… (we all know it…where you wait 12-24 hours to make it seem like you’re so chill and aloof and not at all checking your profile every 30 minutes to see if anyone has messaged/responded to your message, ) …I messaged back. And then he messaged back! And then I messaged back! And then he messaged back! And then…you get it, right? We messaged, we set up a date, and then 2 days later we went OUT. ON. THAT. DATE. (clapping hands emoji here.) 

Now, I’m not one to kiss and tell (but we did) but it was a GREAT. DATE. The best, actually, because it was really fun and really EASY. It didn’t feel like work. I didn’t feel a nauseating anxiety. I didn’t check my watch. I didn’t open my apps on the way home. I didn’t go to bed feeling slightly sad and desperate and all the feelings that I had been feeling throughout this dating “journey.” Could it actually be true, what everyone had been telling me all along that I thought applied to everyone else but me: You know when you know?

Ah, if I had only made it so easy on myself….

What’s My Age: 11, when we went to Dorney Park and waited FOREVER to ride this insane rollercoaster called Steel Force but then we FINALLY DID and it was a really awesome rollercoaster! (METAPHORS!) 

Screen Shot 2018-07-03 at 10.43.24 AMI want to take a little break from all that lurve and relationshipz stuff and talk about WERK and the fact that I FINALLY GOT A PROMOTION! This has been a long freakin’ time coming! 

Let’s take a step back, shall we? I’ve worked in my field for almost 10 years, and BOY have there been some doozies. I was brought to tears regularly during the majority of my first and second (and fourth…and once or twice during my third) jobs, and then I was brought to unbelievable anger and frustration during my fifth job, and then I was unemployed, and then I was once again in figurative EMOTIONAL DARKNESS (and also very literal, as I sat in a windowless work area) with my sixth job, and then I was unemployed AGAIN and then I was temporarily employed in an entirely unrelated field where I contemplated moving to NJ (so THAT was a weird time) and then I FINALLY LANDED A JOB WHERE I FELT PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY FULFILLED AND SHORTLY AFTER THAT I MET NF AND SEE HOW THAT WORKS and then last week I got promoted!

Got all that?

Needless to say, it’s been a professional ROLLER COASTER. Of course, we all have our ups and downs and it’s actually allowed me to appreciate what I finally have (most of the time…). It’s also provided a nice little counter-argument when someone says, “Oh wow, you just really are getting everything this year, aren’t you?” in a saccharine-ly passive-aggressive way. (True story, this happened.) Listen LADY: (or MAN, I will not give away detailz.) I worked for this, so let me enjoy this payoff and treat myself to some K-mart polo shirts. (Also a true story and what I did after I got my promotion.) #stayhumble.

What’s My Age: 16, when I got promoted to head camp counselor of the kindergarten group and thought I was realllyyyy going places. 

Screen Shot 2018-06-28 at 1.39.36 PMSo I know I dropped some preeeettyyyy big news on the blog this week, and it’s kind of like, how do I expect people to process the fact that last time we talked, I was literally the most single person the world had ever seen and could not get guys to go on dates lasting longer than 45 minutes, and somehow I’ve locked down a person that wants to stay with me for the REST OF OUR EARTHLY DAYS?! …Yea, it’s nuts.

So…how did this happen? Basically right before I met NF (REMINDER: “Now-fiance”…meh, I tried.), I had what is known as a “come to Jesus moment.” I was once again in the throes of a very weird non-relationship “thing,” where I was trying really, really, really hard and he was trying, um, not hard at all. And even though I knew this was happening, that this was a pattern that had been repeated over and OVER with the same result (ghosting/sadness/endless scrolling), I still found myself trying to make something out of nothing.

So then I was out to dinner with a friend, filling her in on my dating frustrations. Like I was reading from a script, I moaned about how I didn’t understand why this wasn’t really going anywhere. So she asked what I liked about him. I said he was a real adult. He had a real job. He lived in an apartment. He cooked food. But instead of humoring me, she just went, “It actually sounds like you don’t like him. You basically described a generic human.”  

Well. WELL. …That was news to me. I had been thinking I needed to work super hard for this to be something, basically because he…existed?  “Existence” was a trait that decided whether a person was dateable or not?! No–NOT TODAY. NOT AGAINNNNNN.

The relationship petered out, and instead of being like, “I WILL DIE ALONEEEEEEE,” I was like, I AM DONE WITH THIS. And Jesus said, “FINALLY OMG.” (Just kidding, not how Jesus talks, sorry to my grandma for taking the Lord’s name in vain etc. etc. etc.)  

And then literally 2 days later, I met NF.

To be continued mwah ha ha (this is a cliffhanger.)  

What’s My Age: 15, staring in a drama-club production of “Everything is Hard.” 

Screen Shot 2018-06-26 at 12.13.09 PMWoah woah WOAH. The blog is back! I know I’ve said it before (and I’ll probably say it again…) but I once again have the itch to write about my life in an embarrassingly personal way so…here goes!

Um, quite a bit has changed since the last time I updated this little web journal. And when I say, “a bit,” I actually mean…LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. It’s been a little over a year since I last wrote, mostly about my tales of singlehood and the pure misery of dating, and let me tell ya, things are different. Namely…I got engaged. So like…that is a thing that happened and it’s really quite wonderful to be in a committed relationship and OMFG I AM ENGAGED IS THIS FER RULL?

It is, in fact, “fer rull.” Shortly after my last blog post, I met my now-fiance (Wait, wut?) (PS, now to-be referred to as “NF”) and it has basically been a whirlwind of excitement and nervousness and tacos and happiness and fear and basically thinking day in and day out, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO MEH? And between all that, I’ve taken some vacations (namely, one where I got ENGAGED ON IT. Highly recommend.), I bought a couch that NF and I sit on in the apartment we now share (K….WUT.), I got promoted at my job, I started planning a G-D WEDDING and I also got really into yoga. Ya know, all in a year’s work.

So here we go again, into the abyss of my life and all the overthinking that goes into it. Join me! Celebrate with me! But please don’t ask me if I’ve picked out a wedding dress yet. I will snap.  

All that and more to come! (You’ve been warned.)

What’s my age again? I’m 30 now. WHAT?!

A New Dawn!

166-01Getting up/getting it together in the morning (…or at all…) is not one of my strong suits. In the past, this has worked out in my favor, because my old job had a start time of 11 in the morning. And even though I had grand plans for those mornings, all I’d really do is sleep until 10:15, rub the fatigue and dread from my eyes, and roll into work with an iced coffee and a giant chip on my shoulder. Suuuuucccchhhh a pleasant existence! Basically my work M.O. was “Get through it” and I found it impossible to do anything with my mornings except survive them.

But now at this new job, I have to be at work, like a normal person, at 9 am, and shockingly, I’m enjoying it! Waking up before 8:00 is not something I ever thought would be possible for me, and now everyday, that alarm goes off and I am up! I think it’s helped that I have no choice but to add structure to my mornings now–there’s no time to lallygag in bed, no time to aimlessly scroll through Instagram. When the alarm goes off, I’m off to the races, with 25 minutes to get myself together and out the door.

Now that may not seem like a ton of time, but it’s just enough to perfectly block out five minutes for this and five minutes for that. And now that I’m traveling during prime commuting times, every second counts! This new ticking-time-clock-commute has done wonders for my morning routine, and that enormous shoulder chip has blessedly disappeared. My next morning goal will be to actually wake up before my alarm…but one day at a time!

What’s My Age: Unidentified, because this is the first time in my life I’ve willingly and uncomplainingly risen at this morning hour. 

An Update (So we can all move on)

PrintAi yai yai…broken promises, amirite? I’ve been meaning to kickstart this blog back into action, but have been sidetracked with the sheer AMOUNT OF THINGS that have happened over the past several months and haven’t known how to start or where to re-begin! So instead, here’s a sampling, in one foul swoop.

Since October, I….

Quit my job/went to Asia/possibly got dengue fever/started a new career, cautiously/enjoyed being free from my old job/gave up dating/cancelled Tinder/re-signed up for Tinder/deleted Tinder again/split my time between New York and New Jersey, causing a low-level of emotional strife, mostly because I was actually legitimately enjoying NJ?/celebrated the holidays/officially gave up online dating/deleted okCupid/told all of my friends I was doing this/took a trip to California/took a trip to Wyoming/took a trip to New Orleans/started a new job/(ps, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS NEW JOB)/expressed shock and delight to everyone I know that I’m actually liking work/wrote a lot of long journal entries about this fact/wrote even longer journal entries about how great it is to not be dating/rejoined online dating/started another weirdly confusing…thing/redecorated my apartment/actually got into running/started doing bedtime yoga/started taking vitamin C tablets/got my haircut/finally stopped biting my nails/bit off all my nails last night at 2 am when I couldn’t sleep/ got very into Andrew Bird.

…So. It’s been a pretty eventful time, and I’m feeling pretty good about things (and the same about some other things….)! And now that we’re all caught up, I will try and dive back into posting on a semi-regular basis!