A Year in Review

171-01I’m signing off for the rest of the year to enjoy Christmas and flee to the beautiful, cell-service free land of the Catskills. Happy holidays everyone! And hooray for this year mercifully being over!

It’s been…a year. Even aside from the cloud of darkness the election caused and the constant onslaught of depressing news, 2016 was not my favorite year. Work sucked, my dog passed away, my friends moved away, and I was once again left with my face pointed to the heavens, wondering when things were going to magically align and become easy. You’d think by now I would know that A.) that’s not how the heavens work B.) you should wear sunscreen when staring directly at the heavens C.) things don’t work on the timeline that I decide will work for me.

As I have displayed and written about countless times, patience is not my thing. And 2016 demanded a lot of patience on many different levels that I just don’t possess! I was supposed to be patient with my career and the endless waiting that it would finally become something I’d actually enjoy; I was supposed to patiently slog through the wasteland of jerks who dumped me and treated me like crap on the off chance one of them would be nice enough to date for longer than a month; I’m supposed to wait patiently for the day/minute/second where I actually feel like I know WHAT I AM DOING AT ALL; and I’m supposed to funnel all of this patience so I don’t look back and say, “Oh, silly Alyssa. See all that time you spent being impatient for things that have eventually worked out?” That is a TALL ORDER!

….So the goal for 2017 is to have (a tad bit) more patience. Or at least to not let all of my impatience snowball into a giant clump of FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS AND ANGST all the time. But mixed in with all of that are some good things too. I made a lot of positive changes to my work situation (teaser – will be discussed in the new year….); I traveled, I made new friends, I did fun things, I took risks, I lunged out of my comfort zone, I flung myself out of situations where I was unhappy and made changes. So here’s to appreciating that! Personal growth! Maybe 2016 wasn’t a wash after all. (Though a better dating life wouldn’t have hurt….) At least I had a haircut I finally liked!

Coffee Shop Monologue

170-01In a very special edition of snooping on peoples private conversations they’re having very loudly in a public place, I hit the mother-load of millennial angst and #firstworldproblems when I was sitting in my local cafe sipping an over-priced latte on my day off. (…The struggle is real.) This poor girl was venting to her friend about roommate woes (been there/done that/live alone now) and I was so inspired by her soliloquy, I started transcribing her rant from a few tables away and am dedicating an entire post to it. Living with narcissistic whackos is hard…I feel ya gurl!

“I don’t feel like I live there anymore. It looks totally different and it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. You know that couch? Well they moved it into the corner and Daniel was like, that sounds disgusting. They moved my chair into the corner and now I just feel incredibly uncomfortable. The one condition I said when I moved in was that I would get rid of all my furniture but I have to keep that chair, and they didn’t respect that. And next time my mom comes to New York I’m going to be like, ‘Come and help me figure this shit out because I hate it.’ I mean, I don’t really hate it, but I just need a mom right now. And the one thing I said, I was like, ‘The one thing that would make me feel really comfortable would be to move this bookshelf back against the wall’ and they didn’t even seem to care. So then I came out and I was like, ‘Is that what I think it is?’ And they didn’t move the bookshelf! And Tanner starts copping an attitude with me, like I shouldn’t be the one freaking out about it.”

At which point I fled the scene in horror, knowing there’s a guy named Tanner that apparently lives in my neighborhood now.

What’s My Age: 13, when I probably would have had a huge crush on a guy named Tanner. 

Partner in Crime

169-01When you scan through online dating profiles on a regular basis like I (unfortunately) do, you start to recognize patterns and phrases that come up again and again. And aside from the alarming number of guys who post photos of themselves posing with drugged up tigers, (someone, please explain where/why this happens??) a huge number of guys are looking for a “partner in crime.” Now, this is an overused phrase in general, and I guess it’s meant as a cute way to show you have an adventurous spirit.  Not some average law-abiding Joe, this says you’re totally down to do some public trespassing…and need a partner for lookout.

Living in New York City, there is really no shortage of petty crimes you could get yourself involved in, and apparently these potential matches have a need for life on the edge. Hey, I’m game! I’ve lived life pretty close to the legal vest, but I could probably jump over a subway turnstile or two if the mood struck! I would totally be into staying in a public park past 11 PM on a weekday too, if that was more your thing. And if you’re feeling really crazy, I would definitely feel comfortable blowing past a red light…on my bike…wearing my helmet of course.

Hmm, maybe a life of crime isn’t for me. I know dating is supposed to expand your mind and open your life to new experiences, but maybe I’m more of a law-abiding dater. Looks like this closes me off to 90% of the okcupid dating population….

What’s My Age: 5, when I stole a pack of gum, got caught, and had to apologize to the manager of my town Shoprite. #scaredstraight #anythingforgum

Speed Date

163-01Last night I went on a date that lasted approximately one hour and fifteen minutes, which edged out a previous record of a 90-minute date I had a month ago. At this rate, I’ll be knocking these puppies out in a cool 45 by the new year! Now listen, I get it, quality over quantity, blah blah blah, but it’s a little hard to get into the groove of getting to know someone when that someone is checking their phone every five minutes before announcing at 8:30 on the dot that they’ve made 9 PM plans! As a gentlemanly topper, he added, “No offense!” as he hurriedly downed the last sip of wine and rushed for the 1 train.

Obviously, he wasn’t into it, and that’s totally fine! Sometimes you just don’t click right away with a person, but one of the things I absolutely hate about modern dating culture is the fact that that’s an automatic end-all. There’s no sense of investment–of taking the time to figure out if you mesh with this random person sitting across from you. If it’s not fireworks right off the bat, it’s over and done with, plan B lined up (in this case…immediately). Now I’ve gone on first dates that have been awesome and second dates that have been less than awesome, but then I’ve also gone on mediocre first dates before begrudgingly meeting for round 2 and having a great time! You just never know where something might lead or when feelings will kick in!

Of course there’s no formula, and maybe I’m just being overly sensitive about Speed-dater Steve (not his real name…). I just wish that not every online dating interaction felt like a test, with options 2-500 breathing right down your neck! …Although I can’t really talk–after a luke-warm hug, I walked to the train and spent the five-minute subway wait-time flipping through online dating matches. ….No time to waste!!

What’s My Age: 21, when I went speed dating for the first (and only) time and drank four gin and tonics in 30 minutes.